Ahhh-TEN-shun, LAYYY-deez and gentlemen! For the first time ever, this year’s City Pulse/WLNS Top of the Town Contest has TWO rounds.
“WELL-caaaahhhmm to the second and final round — the FINAL FIVE!!
“Here to explain this INN-explicable, INN-trusive INN-ovation is City Pulse’s mostest of the verbostest, the punctuating punk who pumps the junk into every conjunction, Little Larry Cosentino, the angry Sicilian!”
Thanks a lot, loudmouth. Maybe you didn’t hear: I’m not so angry anymore. Grand jury hearings are next week. I started yoga in Old Town and I’m shopping for something nice at Kositchek’s. They wire it, I don’t care. I got nothing to hide.
Anyway, listen up, paisan. This year, we thought we’d mix it up a little.
“Final Five” voting is simple and righteous. It gives the little guy, the local business, a fighting chance against the big chains that refuse to pay protection — I mean, who take unfair advantage of the little guy. It gives everybody another chance to mix it up real good.
Besides, Final Five just sounds good, like the Five Families. Man, those were the days. Leave the gun, take the cannoli. Louise, shoot the radio. OK, so that was from “Thelma and Louise.” Whatever. I like it, so?
Multiple rounds of balloting keep a lot of elections interesting — Italian governments, for example. How else would you end up with a prime minister from a party called “The Olive Tree”? And isn’t that one of the nominations for Best Restaurant?
Seriously, just vote the way a rich, narcissistic JERK at the Academy Awards would, by choosing your favorite from the five top first-round vote-getters in each category. You can vote in one, a few, or all the categories, but nominations are closed. Fahgged about write-ins. It’s too late to nominate Tini Bikini, even for Best Place of Worship. If you don’t like any of the radio stations nominated, pick the one with your lucky number, or better yet, skip it.
And speaking of Italian elections, you can vote as many times as you want.
Vote from your home computer, mobile phone, cerebellum implant or whatever the HELL you kids are throwing your money at nowadays.
Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to go ditch these stale ethnic, sexist, and ageist stereotypes, take a bath and memorize my grand jury testimony. May the joint with the best gluten free food win.
2013 City Pulse/WLNS Top of the Town Awards FINAL FIVE* NOMINEES!
